TV Freak Scott Goodings is crazy about TV. Scott's first TV memory is an
episode of "Matlock Police" called "A Piece Of Cake". His first experience of
the medium in colour was seeing a Hector The Cat road safety commercial through
the window of the CBA bank in Cheltenham in 1975. Catch his regular reviews at
Quickflix
.
TV Xmas Treats
Xmas - a time for goodwill, the Queen's message on the ABC, and "Hi-5" advent
calendars.
Sorry to go all materialistic, but the best Xmas presents I've ever got?
A set of 60s "The Archies" drinking glasses, an Incredible Hulk shower nozzle,
a Steve and Terri Irwin Croc Hunter plate, and a vintage Huckleberry Hound
lamp.
May your season be festively televisual.
- Scott
Papa Lazarou – a different sort of Father Christmas
Check out
The League Of Gentlemen-Christmas Special (2002)
The sickest, creepiest and greatest Xmas special ever! Three stories told
through 'local' vicar Bernice involving line dancing, German priests,
butchering vets' curses and a chilling appearance by Papa Lazarou. A great
intro to the dark comedy series set in the fictitious northern English town of
Royston Vasey. Most twisted of the tales is the story of young Matthew's visit
to Duisberg, Germany in 1975 where he boards with choirmaster Herr Lipp and
wife Lotte – it's vampires, mixed metaphors and bad English ('Oh come in my
face full/Oh come all ye faithful' – Herr Lipp); there's even a reference to
the doll from 70s horror classic "Trilogy Of Terror". I'll leave it to Bernice
to sum up: "You think you're the only one who's had a shit Christmas? You've no
idea..."
Charles Manson sings "Hark The Herald Angels Sing"
Check out the episode "Merry Christmas Charlie Manson!" on
South Park-Volume 7 (1998)
It's Xmas in Nebraska at Granny Cartman's – even Uncle Howard is being beamed
in via satellite from the state pen. Things go weird later on though when
Howard breaking into the house with fellow prison escapee Charles Manson in tow
wakes the gang. Charlie becomes obsessed with Xmas television specials that are
screening and goes all goodwill to fellow man on us, even taking Kenny, Kyle,
Stan and Cartman off to the "mall of Nebraska", where the kids expose the "Mr
Hanky" appearing there as a fake, and a riot ensures, and Charlie is involved
in an OJ Simpson style car chase … It's actually a whole lot more normal than
the Xmas special I saw in the late 80s involving Arnold Schwarzenegger having a
celebrity dinner/circus with Danny DeVito, Randy Travis and Mike Tyson.
Humphrey's chilly Xmas
Check out A
Merry Humphrey Christmas (2004)
Come Xmas afternoon I'll be kicking back watching "A Merry Humphrey Christmas",
feet up on my Humphrey Ottoman – yep, somewhere back in an enchanted 70s Xmas I
scored a Humphrey pouf, along with the books "Humphrey Learns To Skate" and
"Wilbur's Narrow Escape" (Wilbur's Wormhole was next to Humph's house). For me
it's always been a very Humphrey Xmas. In the 80s I got a Humphrey china
moneybox, and even as recently as the 90s my sister was still buying me
Humphrey eggcups. This DVD finds Humphrey spending Christmas at Santa's at the
North Pole. I hope Humphrey's wearing more than just his usual waistcoat and
tie. A slight 'knock on the head' has caused Santa to lose his memory. This can
only mean one thing – any TV Freak knows in TV Land the only true cure to
amnesia is another accidental thump to the head.
A Very Gary Coleman Xmas
Check out the episode "Grift Of The Magi" on
Christmas with the Simpsons (2001)
Plenty of "Simpsons" Xmas episodes to choose from, but it has to be one that
reunites Springsteen's E-Street band saxophonist Clarence Clemons and Gary
Coleman for the first time since Clarence jammed with Arnold's band "The
Frozenheads" in "Diff'rent Strokes". Here Clemons is the narrator of sorts for
a Xmas parable, while Coleman proves art does imitate reality by reprising his
former real life role of toy shop security guard – but unlike his previous
experience, while driving a shopping centre train he doesn't beat up a kid who
asks for an autograph - instead he helps Lisa and Bart destroy the season's hot
new cannibalistic toy, "Funzo". It all ends with Gary and Mr Burns joining the
Simpsons for Xmas dinner – a lot less 'Manhattan' than those "Diff'rent
Strokes" endings that would see adopted father and two adopted sons sharing a
hot tub.
Nigella's cranberry and orange pudding
Check out the festive Nigella's Christmas Bites on
Nigella Bites-Series 2 + Christmas Special (2001)
Is there a better way to spread Xmas cheer than preparing a feast with the help
of a celebrity TV chef? Have a crack at Nigella's 'Rudolph Pie'; it's more like
Shepherd's Pie than reindeer. Serving fourteen to sixteen people, that's enough
for a whole "Big Brother" house, and plenty to satisfy even the Bradfords from
"Eight Is Enough". Finish with the cranberry and orange pudding. But a warning,
kids - remember to tie that hair up when cooking. Just as the British health
authorities ticked off Jamie Oliver for spraying excessive spittle over his
dishes, try not to follow Nigella's example of wearing her long hair flowing
behind her shoulders when preparing these yuletide delights.
Skeletor saves Xmas
Check out
He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special (1985)
Just because it's Xmas doesn't mean He-Man and She-Ra's sidekick buffoon Orko
doesn't continue to stuff up. This time he ends up on Earth during a bungled
spy satellite test, and in getting home to Eternia has dragged along two
earthling stowaway kids who must get back home for Xmas. This is the cue for
Eternia to finally embrace the wonder that is the pagan festival. By sheer
coincidence, Earth's Xmas day is the same as when Queen Marlena normally leads
Eternia's celebrations for twins Prince Adam and Princess Adora's (He-Man and
She-Ra's alter egos) birthday – which brings up a whole He-Man and She-Ra as
Jesus figures juxtaposition I'd never noticed before. But anyway, enter stage
left old evil Skeletor and Hordak who are out to kidnap the earth kids. Happy
endings though, as Skeletor seems to embrace the spirit of Xmas thanks to the
kids' jumper wearing puppy (!), Bow (She-Ra's metrosexual archer) sings his own
Xmas song, and He-Man dresses up as Santa – shattering the myth of the gift
bringing bearded man for kids everywhere.
I'm Free For Xmas
Check out
Are You Being Served? - Christmas Special (1972)
Britons love their Xmas specials. The return of "Only Fools And Horses" in this
guise in the early 00s set a new record for domestic electricity usage, while
Xmas day itself couldn't pass without the traditional 'main character coming to
a grim end' denouement in "Eastenders". A 70s UK Xmas wasn't the same without
the "Are You Being Served?" pantoesque romp, usually revolving around the staff
of Grace Brother's department store being coerced into festive garb by young Mr
Grace. Rogue Mr Lucas' outfit was inevitably too short, Miss Brahm's cleavage
would be heaving, while Mr (Wilberforce Clayborne) Humphries was always
mincingly effete. '(ca-ching, ca-ching) – Ground floor: perfumery stationery
and leather goods wigs and haberdashery kitchenware and food. Going up!'
It's A Wonderful Family Guy
Check out the episode "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas" on
Family Guy-Happy Freakin' Christmas (1999)
Dad Pete's given away all the Griffin family's presents to charity, and Brian
the dog has charred the turkey and burnt down the entire house, leaving Mum
Lois apoplectic at the thought of baby Stewie's Xmas being ruined. Stewie's
actually more concerned about the totalitarian notion of Santa keeping constant
watch on all the world's kids, but does a good turn as baby Jesus to bring Mum
back from the brink. An appearance by "Kiss", and look for references to "H.R.
Pufnstuf" and seminal Xmas movie "It's A Wonderful Life"
Bad (Xmas) Moon Rising
Check out The
Wiggles, The-Santa's Rockin'! (2004)
Still can't decide on that Xmas Day outfit? Check out the fetching The Wiggles'
red pants and dancers' candy cane striped coats in "Santa's Rockin'!" It all
kicks off with "Captain Feathersword's Christmas Dance", then "Creedence
Clearwater Revival's" John Fogerty adds some bayou soul to "Great Big Man In
Red". Henry the Octopus gets a job as Santa's champion Christmas wrapper, but
Wags the dog is so excited by the approaching big day he can't stop barking on
Xmas eve – so The Wiggles fly in Johnny Bravo himself, "The Brady Bunch's" Greg
Brady (Barry Williams), to soothe the wild canine beast with "Wags Stop Your
Barking, It's Almost Christmas Day". I actually found Wag's incessant yapping
no more irritating than Barry's on-screen brother Peter's voice-breaking warble
when the Silver Platters belted out "Time To Change" all those Brady years ago.
Post-modern-man Pat
Check out the episode "Postman Pat's Magic Christmas." on
The Postman Pat-Magic Christmas/Greendale Rocket (2003)
'Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat and his black and white cat' Now this is
a real Xmas treat. Postman Pat's gone all stop-motion animation on us after
being given a post-millennium makeover by production company Cosgrove Hall
("Danger Mouse", "Count Duckula", "The Wind In The Willows"). Pat seems to be
moving his mouth more animatedly these days, and there's lots of domestic soap
involving wife Sarah and son Julian. Pat and Jess the cat have a mountain of
mail to deliver before Xmas and the usual panic as to whether they will make it
has set it – still pretty much the same old Greendale then, despite the fact
the actual post office in Beast Banks in the Lake District creator John
Cuncliffe based the series around closed in 2003.