The Love Guru (2008)

Has it really been 11 years since Austin Powers first hit cinemas? Wow. I love the Austin Powers series. I love Wayne's World 1 & 2 even more than that. After the third Austin Powers film came out, Mike Myers seemed pretty content to just be Shrek for a while. But here he is, six years later, as his brand new character Guru Pitka, a spiritual leader in the vein of Deepak Chopra. Except he's not actually Indian, but in fact Canadian. Oh, and although he claims to be The Love Guru, he is a selfish, fame-hungry virgin who gives bad advice and makes worse jokes. And he might just be the worst character in the history of film, ever.

I had pretty low expectations for The Love Guru, and I was still disappointed. In fact, disappointed is in no way an appropriate term for criticising this film. What kind of words can be used on a film so awful, that no-one involved is redeemable from its suckiness. Even Kanye West, who has a 3-second cameo. I don't know if I can ever listen to his music again without picturing Guru Pitka's stupid face. A movie so bad, that it makes Verne Troyer's sex tape a more enjoyable watch. And a story so awful, so awfully executed, and so awfully concluded, you have to wonder who in the world gave Myers $62 million to make it.

The "Story": Pitka spends his day dreaming of appearing on Oprah, plotting to usurp Deepak Chopra from his position as #1 guru, and spouting off countless mantras to his (presumed idiot) masses (i.e. Intimacy - Into Me I See. Ugh). Jessica Alba plays Jane Bullard, owner of the Toronto Maple Leaves hockey team, who hires Pitka to reunite washed up star Darren Roanoke (Malco) with his ex, who has shacked up with Jacques Grande (Timberlake), goalie for the LA Kings.

So that's a pretty bad story line, and a film based on that should be bad enough, right? Wrong. It's much, much worse. At least 70% of the film has no interest in Roanoke and his ex-wife, and instead we have to see Myers woo Alba, who is such a bad actress, that not even her hotness can make her worth watching. We are also treated to countless scenes of Justin Timberlake as an incredibly endowed Quebecoise imbecile. It is not funny. Neither is Myers constantly turning to camera and winking or giggling or doing something that just makes us want to slap that dumb smile off his face. The Love Guru is so bad, it almost makes love itself seem stupid.

I hated every character in this film. I didn't want this film to have a happy ending, because none of these characters deserve love, or money, or fame, or even a movie documenting their existence, no matter if they're made up or not. The movie was nonsensical. Scenes ended uncomfortably, as if the big punch line was cut in the editing. This can only make me think - what in the world was cut out?! For instance, how does a 5-minute (!) sequence about food that looks like genitals not get trimmed slightly? How could they allow Myers to perform no less than 3 full songs on the sitar? How bad must the stuff they cut out be? What instructions was the editor given? "Be sure to cut the end of that scene. We need to get this film under 90 minutes. But leave in the two elephants doing it, that's gonna kill!"

Who would've thought that Mike Myers could actually do WORSE than The Cat in the Hat. He's gone from one of the most beloved comic actors of the last twenty years, to sub-Norbit levels of lameness. At one point in the film, Pitka flicks around radio stations until he finally lands on Bohemian Rhapsody, channeling the classic moment from Wayne's World. He quickly changes the channel to something else, looking awkward and embarrassed. It's probably the only time during the film he shouldn't look awkward and embarrassed. But if I created The Love Guru, I'd be pretty embarrassed too.

0.5/5

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